THEME SONG: Toxic Crusaders!
Toxic Crusaders!
I had no friends, no girls that hugged
me till I got radioactive ugly.
Toxic Crusaders!
I live in a dump because the rent's real low.
I got a little pet Blobbie and he loves me so!
Toxic Crusaders!
Now me and the boys fight against wrong though we're
hideously deformed.
Hey, I'm a sitting on top of the world.
With my mop, tutu, and girl.
Wow!
Toxic Crusaders!
Toxic!
(SINGING) (IN UNISON) We're the shopping crusaders!
We're the shopping crusaders!
Of that we're pretty sure of!
TOXIE: We Crusaders were on our way back to toxic dump
with our day supply of food.
You can work up a real appetite being
a hideously deformed creature of superhuman size and strength.
Except for Junkyard.
He put himself on a special diet.
[growling]
My doctor said to cut down on red meat.
He never said anything about white bones.
Makes sense to me.
Fender, have a little brain food
for your very little brain!
TOXIE: Meanwhile, a short distance away,
Mayor Grody had just opened up another of his money
making scams.
It was a stink bomb factory.
Mayor Grody always was on the cutting edge of progress.
To make the stink bombs, some radiation Rangers were
throwing old tires onto a fire.
Other rangers were burning old move films.
And believe me, some of them were real stinkers!
The problem was, the factory was right next door to another
of the Mayor's money makers.
Grody's Home for Golden Oldies.
[coughing]
Which is when we came on the scene.
Look!
Those poor, old codgers are being
bombarded with second hand smoke from the stink bomb factory.
[growling]
Why, that's dog gone unfair!
Toxic Crusaders to the rescue!
I'll handle this!
Major Disaster, some ragweed, if you don't mind?
A little ragweed is what we need.
[sneezing]
[gasping]
Yeah.
Up you go, granny.
[coughing]
Oh, thank you for saving our lives.
Now get off the lawn!
Bad dog!
Sometimes it ain't easy being man's best friend.
Toxic Crusaders, it's clean up time!
DR. BENDER: Radiation Rangers!
I might have known.
Let's chill out these dudes.
Whoa, you left two of them standing, man.
Don't play me, you're the one who goofed.
FENDER: Did not! -At ease, Headbanger.
I'll handle this.
Yes!
It's a simple 7-10 split!
Fellas, let's fix this factory so it can no longer pollute
our unsullied Tromaville air!
[cheering]
[howling]
Tadaa!
Not bad, Junkyard, but watch this!
[walls crumbling]
And the winners are Fender and Bender!
(IN UNISON) Why do you think they call us Headbanger?
Uh, oh, troops.
Time to sound retreat!
[screaming]
[rumbling]
(IN UNISON) Hip, hip, hooray!
[coughing]
TOXIE: The kindly, old folks were
so grateful we torn down the factory
that they invited us to stay for dinner.
Thanks to you, there's plenty of food to go around.
We can use this last burning tire
to barbecue some rice pudding!
Yeah.
We'll [inaudible] and then just some teeth to chew it with.
And then afterwards, we can sit around and watch an old movie.
I hear this one's pretty hot!
You folks are real kind, but we wouldn't dream of taking
the food out of your mouths.
And especially not the teeth!
Ew!
Yuck!
Bluck!
TOXIE: Just then, who should come driving by,
but Mayor Grody.
Huh?
My beautiful, profit making, stink bomb factory!
Totally destroyed!
What could have happened to it?
Well, it could have burned to the ground.
Or it could have been blown over by the wind.
Or it could have been in an earthquake.
But it was none of the above.
We Toxic Crusaders knocked it down because it
was polluting the air.
Emitting dangerous hydrocarbons into our atmosphere.
Which just plays havoc with the plant life.
Just ain't nothing to what it does to my-- a-- allergies.
[sneezing]
You haven't heard the end of this
and you haven't seen the end of me.
Yes, we have, dude, and it's not a pretty sight.
TOXIE: That's when Mayor Grody decided
to call on that Smogulan ambassador and all
around that bad guy, Doctor Killemoff.
Killemoff, you got to help me get rid of them
Toxic Crusaders!
Then you'll be free to pollute Tromaville
to your heart's content.
Hm.
That's right.
And then I can bring in my hoards of Smogulan countrymen.
And countrywoman.
Don't forget the country women.
Grody, you've got a deal.
As you earthlings say, one hand washes the other.
You're in luck, Grody!
I have a scheme for disposing of the Toxic Crusaders
that we haven't tried yet.
You say you want a truck that's rugged, yet comfortable, huh?
Luxurious, yet the basic.
Cheap, yet expansive.
Powerful, yet weak.
Fast, yet slow.
Huh?
And most of all, it's gotta be big!
How about this two ton, two tow job.
Isn't she a beauty?
Even bigger!
Oh, well, this one?
Bigger!
Well, all right then.
This one!
Let me explain.
We're looking for a truck that's capable of crushing,
and crunching, and mangling, and squashing
a shack, along with all of its occupants, to a pulp.
Oh!
A recreational vehicle!
Why didn't you say so?
Gents, I've got just what you're looking for.
It was owned by a little, old lady who only drove
it in destruction derbies.
So what do you think of this baby?
DR. KILLEMOFF: It's perfect.
We'll take it.
A wise decision.
Would you like to have it gift wrapped?
No thanks.
We prefer to deliver it ourselves.
[laughing]
MAYOR GRODY: I'll drive
NARRATOR: And now these messages.
We now return to the Toxic Crusaders.
(SINGING) Oh, the ankle bone's connected to the knee bone.
The knee bone's connected to the leg bone.
TOXIE: Meanwhile, at the toxic dump,
Junkyard was laying in a store of bones for the winter
when he suddenly came across something.
JUNKYARD: Wh-- well, what do you know!
What have we got here?
[groaning]
Whatever it is, it's darn heavy!
Well, I'll be dog gone!
It's a car.
Kind of.
Well, fellas, what do you think?
Whoa!
Wheels.
I can truly dig it!
You're too late.
Junkyard already dug it, although why he did,
I'll never know.
Fellows, I just thought of something.
We could rebuild this thing and turn
it into a free cab service.
Right.
And help all those less fortunate citizens
of Tromaville who can't drive.
Yes, like sick people who are confined to their beds.
Or teenagers who've been grounded.
Or scofflaws whose cars have been towed away.
Or short folks whose feet don't reach the pedals!
Why, we could go on for hours!
I think we just did.
TOXIE: With all of us pitching in,
pretty soon our cab was starting to take shape!
Unfortunately, it wasn't in the shape of a cab,
but we couldn't afford to be fussy.
I think I got the engine working.
[engine sputtering]
[screaming]
All right!
A perfect fit.
These are the only tires I could find, Toxie.
One from a car, one from a truck, one from a bicycle,
and one from a kiddie car.
I chased them all personally.
Like I said, we couldn't afford to be fussy.
Even mom pitched in!
An old couch!
This will make a great backseat for a great backseat driver!
TOXIE: Finally, it was finished.
And we were ready for the big unveiling!
Like, ready, man?
Set, go!
Oh!
[cheering]
Hm.
There's something familiar about this thing.
Naturally, darling boy.
It's got your face.
[wheezing]
But it's got my nose!
TOXIE: Bender created a special fuel,
made from a combination of garbage and septic ground
swill for the cab to run on.
[engine sputtering]
Then it blows it out its exhaust in the form of sweet smelling,
life giving oxygen. Now it was time to give our car a name.
Everybody had a different suggestion.
How about Spot?
Or General MacArthur?
Or Shnozola?
Or Garibaldi?
Or just plain, old Baldy!
Forget it!
I've already got the name.
We'll call it, Toxi-Cab!
[wheezing]
Toxi-Cab?
No, no.
I don't like that.
No, no, no.
I don't like it.
[snorting]
On second thought, I love it!
Totally perfect o-moniker!
It has a certain bite to it.
Top notch choice.
Then Toxi-Cab it is!
[wheezing]
Wow, boss, this thing is humongous.
I needed something to make up for your mini size brains
because you to yutzes are going to drive it
to the Tromaville dump and crush the Toxic Crusaders once
and for all!
We are?
And it's only the beginning.
From there, we'll start crushing all over the world.
Sounds like fun, but how do we get way up there?
Simple.
[screaming]
Ow!
Now practice driving that thing.
Right, boss!
No!
No, no, no, no!
Whoa!
[coughing]
Do you suppose this is some sort of poetic payback
from my always playing dirty?
TOXIE: We let mom have the privilege of test
driving the Toxi-Cab out of respect for her age
and her tender gender.
Mostly because she was the only one who had a driver's license.
Way to go, Toxie's mom!
Put the pedal to the metal!
Yeah!
Feel that latex substance obtained from the sap
of a tropical tree!
TOXIE: It was then that we learned a painful lesson
about the Toxi-Cab.
[crashing]
It was a convertible.
[whining]
At least it was painful for poor Toxi-Cab.
We also learned that because Toxi-Cab had spent years
buried in that toxic ooze, it had develop
certain mutant abilities.
Like avoiding potholes.
That afternoon, I planned a real, romantic surprise.
Boy, Yvonne won't believe it when I take her
for a spin in our new Toxi-Cab.
Whoa, Toxman, here she comes now.
Must you always be such a snitch?
Now remember, fellas, not a word about the Toxi-Cab.
Don't worry, Toxie.
Our lips are zipped.
We'll keep your secret, no matter
how much she noses around!
[sneezing]
DR. BENDER: Gesundheit.
Oh, darn, I wanted to surprise you!
You, too?
Man, what a coincidence!
Idiot!
Is there something going on I should know about?
No, something you shouldn't know about.
You see, I-- da-- da-- oo-- oops!
Toxie, what is going on here?
We-- we-- we-- yeah, bu-- bu-- I can't tell you.
How dare you keep secrets from me!
Well, you see-- I-- I-- that is-- uh, well, um--
Well, if that's the way you feel, goodbye!
TOXIE: Yvonne was so upset, shewent to visit Madame Gazonga,
the locally franchised gypsy of the nationwide chain
of fortune telling parlors.
So before we begin, you want I should talk
like the way I'm talking now?
Or do you wish me to speak like Zsa Zsa Gabor?
That costs $3 extra.
I really prefer the accent, but I gotta count my pennies.
Whatever you say, lady.
OK.
So what's on your mind?
My boyfriend, Toxie, is acting real peculiar
and I want to know why.
All right.
Let's see what the old crystal ball shows.
Oh!
I see the problem.
The guy found a new interest.
She looks to be like about a 20 year old model
with a really classy chassis.
[gasping]
So that's it!
He's found another lady!
Oh, no, no!
She's no lady!
She's a--- Stop!
Don't say it.
I don't want to hear it.
And I thought people in Brooklyn were weird.
[crying]
TOXIE: Poor Yvonne.
She mistakenly thought I'd fallen for another woman.
No!
Men, you can't trust them as far as you can throw 'em.
I think there's a song in that.
And it goes something like this.
(SINGING) Oh, you can't trust a man as far as
you can throw him.
And you just can't ever throw him far enough.
First, he'll tell you there's not other,
then he'll dump you for another!
He'll be gone before the going gets tough!
Oh!
Baby!
TOXIE: That evening, I pulled up at Yvonne's house to take her
for a surprise ride, but instead, I
was the one who was surprised!
It was a goodbye note with no forwarding address!
YVONNE: Dear Toxie, au revoir.
Adios.
Arrivederci.
Auf Wiedersehen.
And a lot of other words that begin with the letter, A.
I never want to see you again!
Love and kisses, Yvonne.
Oh, no!
NARRATOR: And now these messages.
We now return to the Toxic Crusaders.
[motor sputtering]
TOXIE: Good, old Toxi-Cab came in real handy for the
house bound folks of Tromaville.
We used it for just about everything.
From delivering groceries to shut
ins, to dropping kids off at school,
to taking pets to the vet.
[dogs barking]
To driving little, old ladies to bingo games
and driving little old men to the little old ladies.
As for me, I was too worried about Yvonne
to join in the fun.
Oh, maybe she was in some kind of trouble!
I was one, sad sack of toxic turf!
If it wasn't for Mop and Blobbie,
I don't know what I would have done.
[nose blowing]
Meanwhile, in the Tromaville City Hall,
Mayor Gordy was also suffering.
Killemoff, what's taking so long with your plan?
That non-profit taxi cab those Crusaders are operating
is cutting into my profits!
Ah, Grody, what are you blabbering about?
All those good deeds they're doing free,
I used to charge those old pieces for!
Your troubles will soon be over.
The Crusader Crusher is on its way to Tromaville now!
All right, Boathead, drive it on board.
OK, boss.
We're ready to roll!
[engine starting]
I thought this sort of thing only happened in cartoons.
TOXIE: Back at the toxic dump, my mind
was still on Yvonne when the Crusaders returned
from doing their good deeds.
Come on, Toxie.
Let's drive over to the baseball field and look for diamonds.
No, you fellas go without me.
I'm too upset about Yvonne missing.
Poor Toxie!
This Yvonne thing has hit him like a ton of bricks.
2000 pounds is more like it.
Like I've always said, love is for the dogs.
TOXIE: Doctor Killemoff hadn't given up yet.
He was still determined to crunch us Crusaders.
Neat idea, huh?
Flying us in for a sneak air attack!
Yeah, but what if someone touches the wrong button
and we get dropped?
Don't be stupid!
Which button is going to do that?
I don't know.
It could be eenie, meenie, minie, or even mo here--
[screaming]
TOXIE: I found myself in downtown Tromaville
where Yvonne and I had spent so many happy hours together.
It was pure torture.
Everywhere I looked, I saw her face before me.
I couldn't escape it.
She was everywhere.
I was at the breaking point.
I knew I needed professional help.
Suddenly, there it was!
Madame Gazonga's fortune telling parlor.
[snoring]
[engine rumbling]
[wheels crushing]
Hey!
Fellas!
We're under attack by Bonehead and Psycho driving the biggest
truck I've ever seen!
How come my dog house is always the first thing to go?
Don't sweat it, troops!
We'll counter attack with our own combat vehicle.
Stop that truck!
[car wheezing]
Oh, fine.
Hey, desertion in the face of danger.
Bummer, dudes.
Instead of a checkered cab, we've got a chicken cab.
Fellas, looks like we're going to have
to handle this thing ourselves.
Everywhere I look, I see my girlfriend's face.
It's horrible!
Look, there it is now!
(SINGING) Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, ti, do.
Oh, you're right.
It is horrible!
Yvonne!
You came back!
But not for you, you two timer!
I forgot to pick up my laundry at the Bowl and Fold next door.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to get a life.
I hope you and your new found happiness will be happy.
New found happiness?
What new found happiness?
You know, the one with the classy chassis.
[car screeching]
[beeping]
You mean the Toxi-Cab here?
Your new love is a car?
That's what I tried to tell you, lady.
Huh?
[wheels screeching]
Hm.
Boys and their toys.
TOXIE: Back at our dump, sweet dump, the battle
wasn't going too well!
Sound retreat, men!
[horn squeaking]
I hate to say it, fellas, but it looks like the end
of the Toxic Crusaders.
Not so fast, amigos!
Scope out who's coming!
JUNKYARD: Well, dog my cat!
It's Toxi-Cab.
NO-ZONE: So that's why he drove off, to bring back
our fearless leader, Toxie!
And all this time we thought he was a yellow cab!
Toxie, are we glad to see you!
That huge truck is about to crush our shack to smithereens!
Whatever smithereens are.
Me and Toxi-Cab will handle the truck.
You fellas take care of the Radiation Rangers.
It's moments like this that make me
proud to be a Toxic Crusader.
Under Toxie's inspired leadership, how can we lose?
It's moments like this that make me proud to work
for Doctor Killemoff!
Under his inspired leadership, how could we lose?
Ah ha!
It's weeds we needs!
[ray blasting]
Cowabunga!
[screaming]
(IN UNISON) Toxic Crusaders rule!
TOXIE: Doctor Killemoff was pretty
upset about losing his truck.
You bubble brained idiots!
Losing a Crusader Crusher is nothing to be sneezed at.
Sorry, boss.
[screaming]
[crashing]
(IN UNISON) Gesundheit!
(SINGING) (IN UNISON) We're the Toxic Crusaders!
Oh, we're the Toxic Crusaders!
Of that we're pretty sure of.
Bee, doo, bee, doo, bee, doo, be, doo!
Pretty sure of.
[music playing]